I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
