Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
