Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
