once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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