You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
