So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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