I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm really busy with my period
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