If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
