I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
