If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
