I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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