Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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