Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
