yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
