I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
