Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
