I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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