trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
