What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
