Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
