I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
a search helicopter?!
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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