And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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