sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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