Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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