i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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