if i can run in heels then i can drive
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
