Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize