if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
