I like to think it a success when the cops are called
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
