i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
