Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
