Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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