its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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