What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Send help, water and tortillas.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
