my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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