dude i'm inner monologue high
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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