So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
