My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
