the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
