2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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