Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize