I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
not ubering you a puppy
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize