You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize