Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize