You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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