and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
