Can i not drive my cunt home
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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