So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
