I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize