I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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