I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
