I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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