I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
