Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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