Buhtt sex?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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