Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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