Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
