Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
