Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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