having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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