why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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