Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
