i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Randomize